9/18/2010
Where to start....it has been a very tough road for me. Greg and I had been trying to conceive for 2.5 years and the doctor's could not tell us what was wrong. We did not seek a Fertility Specialist because that is not what we wanted. Well, each month would come and go with one let down after another. The doctor told me that my weight had nothing to do with getting pregnant. At the beginning of June, Greg left for a 45 day detail in Texas. Mid-June I was not feeling good and very ill. I wasn't late, but at the same time my cycles would range from 26 days to 35 days (the doctor was not concerned with this and said it was normal.) so I waited to take a test. Well, one day after returning home for a personal training workout, I felt horrible. I took a test and started to cry so hard. I was beyond happy. I took a picture of the test and texted to Greg and at the same time was talking to him on his work phone. He got the picture and was so excited. It was going to be very hard to keep the secret from our families for a month, but we knew we had too! Greg was not due back home from Texas until July 15th. I called my doctor the next day and scheduled my first visit for July 6th. I was going in town for the holiday and figured that it would be the best time especially when trying to keep this from my family.
My world fell apart that day...I went into the doctor for what was suppose to be one of the happiest days of my life to discover my worst nightmare. First, I had to pee in the cup and then sit back out in the waiting room. Then I was called back for an exam. While in the exam, I explained how my symptoms seemed extremely intense, but I knew each pregnancy was different. So after the exam, my next stop was the ultrasound room. I called Greg so he could be on the phone and somewhat be apart of the appointment. Well, while the tech was doing the internal ultrasound, she wasn't saying anything. Then she looked at me and said, " I'll be right back." I instantly told Greg that something was wrong and things did not seem right. I remember looking at the monitor and not seeing anything...no pulsing heart beat, no pea-pod...nothing. My doctor came in with the tech and told me that things did not look good. I busted out into tears. She told me that it appeared that I had a molar pregnancy. She explained that sometimes during the formation of the fetus something happens and it then becomes deformed and a balls of cells. Think of a mole on your skin and how they can be cancerous. Well, when this happens during a pregnancy your body continues to feed and let the mole grow because your hcg levels continue to rise. There are two types. You can google it for more info, but that is the basic jist. It is a very rare pregnancy and often when this happens you could have been carrying twins....you never know. I had to leave through the office and tried not to make eye contact with anyone.
I left and went back to work. Yes, I went back to work. I am very fortunate that there is only one other individual in the office with me. I am very close with her. I did not want to be around anyone because I knew that I would have to explain what was going on. After returning to the office, she cried with me. I was in such a state of shock. Knowing that I was going to need a D&C meant that I was not going back to St. Louis for the week, which also meant that I had to tell my family what was going on. So I called everyone and asked that they come over to Greg's Mom and Dad's house. I told them what was going on. Some things that were said or asked bothered me, but that is neither here nor there. I am just thankful that Greg was able to get an emergency flight to be home with me.
The days following were such a blur. I was just in this shocked state of mind. Honestly, I spent most of the time in bed sleeping....that's all I could do. I did not have energy for anything else. Greg and I went to the doctor the next morning. She said based on my hcg levels that everything did point to a molar pregnancy and that would also explain my intense symptoms. Later the same day, I had to pick up meds to take before and after the surgery. I also had to go to the hospital for pre-screening. I spent most of the day in tears just talking about my baby/babies that were no longer with me.
On July 9th, I had my surgery. I had to be at the hospital at 5 or 6 that morning and I remember them wheeling me back at 7:30 for surgery. I felt so alone that no one truly understood what I was going through. At times, I still feel like that. The surgery went fine and I was told that I would need to undergo weekly blood draws so my hcg levels could be checked. Oh, I left that part out, since I had a molar pregnancy and the body supports the growth,uuummmm, it can turn into cancer. That was another scary thing to think about....not only losing the pregnancy, but also dealing with the fact that I could develop cancer!
Since I live in Mo most of the time, I had to find a doctor here to monitor my blood work. In very few words, I was not very happy with her and since I am moving I will start seeing my old doctor again. I am happy to say that I have been having weekly blood draws and my numbers are going down. I am now on monthly blood draws and will be until February 2011. Unfortunately, I cannot get pregnant until released from the doctor just because if it is too soon the cells could take over and I could lose another one. For the time, I am on birth control. I will also be considered a high risk pregnancy if I can get pregnant again.
It has been very hard because until now no one really knew about this. I would cringe or just start crying and have to walk away any time someone asked if we were going to have more children. I know it is not their fault, but that pain is there and probably will always be there. In the beginning, it was very hard to see someone that is expecting or a newborn baby...things are getting a little easier, but are still hard because I am crying on the inside. I can't help BUT think about the milestone's during a pregnancy....If I had not lost the pregnancy we would be finding out this week what we were expecting. Instead, I have a baby or babies in Heaven waiting for me.
9/19/2010
One of my best friend's shared a song with me after we lost this pregnancy. I am very thankful that she did.... I cried and still do, but this song says it all and has become one of my favorite songs. The lyrics below are for the song Glory Baby by Watermark. It is also on my playlist.
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
2/3/2011
I have been talking a lot to the ladies on my online support group for Molar Pregnancy. Someone posted this poem and it absolutely gave me cold chills and made me cry. It's so very true...I loved my babies from the get go and will always love them. I hope you enjoy the poem below.
What Makes a Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,
A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"
So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one.
3/17/10
Here is another poem that was shared by someone in my support group.
There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss
and though they are good mothers and love their children
I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money
or that I have read more books but because
I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited, I have cried and prayed,
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation
are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child.
Knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him
and that I am not waking to take another temperature,
pop another pill, take another short or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in the sense, that God has given me this insight,
This special vision with which I will look upon my child
that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child, I actually give birth to or a child that God
leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife,
a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because
I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain
in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they lean to accept the harsh truth
and when life is beyond hard
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
~Author Unknown
